From Bert, Mum, and please destroy this letter as soon as you have read it!

13 May

Dear Mum and Dad,

I am sorry to say I am not my usual cheery self this week. I still have my job as driver here, where for some reason the people working at HQ have renamed it “Airstrip One” and our Leader is now called “Big Brother” – something to do with a book written by a chap called Orwell and set in the past in 1984 and nothing to do with the TV programme.

They have even got a new nickname for our Press Officer “Winston Smith”. Apparently, in the book Winston Smith works for the Ministry of Truth (so the book must be something to do with Harry Potter perhaps) because Winston Smith’s job was to rewrite past newspaper articles so that the historical record always supports the current party line. I can’t see it myself but other people in the offices seem to be amused by it.

Heck, I just looked up the book in Wikipedia and got it from Amazon and it is starting to scare me! It seems that everyone who isn’t “special” eats junk food and has poor quality stuff and if you want a window repaired it can take ages because it all has to go through committees and takes for ever. And all the people who aren’t special live in places with special telescreens which show propaganda and monitor people and you can’t turn these machines off. Mum – now I am getting really worried as the council flat I shared in Sidmouth had a window that didn’t work and which took ages to get fixed AND if we are not on the TV we are on our phones or tablets so we never seem to have any spare time. Are they watching us Mum?

The book goes on to say that the “Inner Party” live in nice places with lots of food, wine and coffee and lifts that WORK and that they have servants. Oh, Mum – that is SO true. The Leader has a valet and all the senior officers have minions to do the work whilst they are off on their “fact finding” trips. And you should see the lifts – oh how the crystal chandeliers sparkle and the marble floor shines!

The book says that photographs are doctored and records rewritten so that some people are erased from history. Mum – here they are going to stop the public and minority parties from speaking if they are the public and from putting motions to the Leadership if they are from the minority parties! It says that the “Inner Party” has things censored and some stuff gets made up just to keep the masses down. Help!

AND it says that there are Thought Police who employ undercover agents, who pose as normal citizens and report any person with subversive tendencies. Mum: I know people like that who I drive every day – they talk about the “people with subversive tendencies” all the time and plot against them. I had thought that they were talking about those awful people I used to have to meet at the “Hubs” now that no-one can get to our offices but, you know, they aren’t all that bad and they don’t deserve this sort of treatment do they? They are just ordinary people like us. Oh, how the scales have fallen from my eyes now!

So, what to do? Well, I have thought about this and I have decided to stay in my job and use it to help the opposition! Yes, the worm has turned. I am going to let them think I don’t know what is going on and I am going to pass all the information I get to the people who aren’t in the “Inner Circle”. Yes, I know it will be dangerous but I have no choice: if I let this go on I will be partly to blame for what happens, and I just can’t do that Mum. I have to be one of those people with “subversive tendencies”.

I do hope you and Dad understand why I have to do this. It’s for US – if I don’t stop them then this crazy world is going to get even crazier.

Watch this space, Mum and Dad – watch this space.

Your loving and enlightened son,





One Response to “From Bert, Mum, and please destroy this letter as soon as you have read it!”

  1. YoursisterDaisy May 13, 2014 at 1:05 pm #


    Sis here. What d’ya think you’re playing at writing all this down? You’re lucky Mum and Dad are away and I’m housesitting. You better delete this text soon as you’ve read it.

    You always were a clot, Bert. How comes you’re just waking up to all this? Why d’you think when Darren and I got hitched we moved out of the county altogether?

    Darren’s dad had a go speaking out at the local council back along, and suddenly nobody would let him clean their windows any more. Thirty years of custom gone coz of a few words whispered in the right stupid ears at the carnival committee.

    And my mate Tasha – remember her – she was chatting at the mums and toddlers one day and asked why there was no women councillors in the town, and the next thing she knew she was being frozen out at the school gate when she picked her biggun up later.

    Darren’s dad tried to get other work, he really did. Local sorting office, that was stitched up by the gang. Steward at the golf club – they didn’t bother answering his letter. They even got rid of him coaching the football team, even though he was the best they’d ever had.

    But if you want to have a go from the inside, bro’, good on yer. Keep your head down, softly softly. Keep notes. It’ll all change one day. They can feel it coming. That’s why there up to all this stuff now. Making hay, they are.

    I’ll let the oldies know you’re alright. Dad’s gone to Thailand with a couple of his mates from skittles and that funny looking bloke says he’s a planning consultant. And Mum was given a voucher by Buildalot PLC for a fortnight at the Rubadubdub Health Spa.

    I thought I’d have a lot to do round Slurry Farm, but they don’t seem to be bothering these days coz the groundwork starts for the four new houses in a fortnight. Remember when you and me used to go fishing out there in Lower Whiffspreader Field? Four five-bedders they’re putting in. Let’s hope they like midges and frogs.


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